Thursday, September 5, 2013

Showerus Interruptus

Showerus Interruptus: A dramatic retelling of one mom's struggle to take a shower during the day when her children are home.  

Those of you who do not have children, or whose children are small enough to STAY WHERE YOU PUT THEM, have no idea what luxury a daytime shower is.  Of course, if your children are small enough to STAY WHERE YOU PUT THEM, you may not remember what the luxury of a shower IS, but that's not my tale today.  

Today, our heroine, Mom, has had a busy day.  She got up, dropped her children at PreK, worked out, cleaned the kitchen, family room, front hall, and bedroom, worked on laundry, and ate a little lunch, before heading back to take a - oh, is that the time?  Gotta leave to get the girls from school.  Shooting out the door, she drives the less than a quarter mile in 10 minutes because wouldn't you know the DOT has to chew up the ONLY road out of her neighborhood, sits in line for 25 minutes, drives back 15 minutes (she has to make an illegal left, cut through a parking lot, and turn right to get back the other direction because left turns are impossible on this GD-forsaken road...), debriefs her twins about their day, then heads to the bus stop to pick up the elder child.  But I digress...

What this ultimately means for our heroine is that she's hot, sweaty, tired, and desperately in need of a shower.  Normally she'd do this BEFORE the girls got home, but time got away from her, so now she has to figure out how to do this with the children home.  And let's face it...she's WAAAY too gross to wait another minute.  What to do...Aha!  Snack time!  Snack time usually lasts at least 20 minutes.  She can use this to her advantage today!  Leaving her 8 year old in charge of doling out the crackers to her 4 year old twin sisters, she heads back to the bathroom.  Stripping off her clothes in record time, she dives into the ice-cold shower before it heats up, praying she can complete her 60 second shower in 45 seconds.  She lathers her hair, which naturally drips into her eyes, when - 

Eldest: Moooom!  The bread...THE BREAD!  Did you buy bread with white stuff on it? 
Twins (loudly in background): The bread!  Snow!  It has snow!  I like snow!  Can I eat the snow?  No!  It's my snow to eat!!  Give it to me!  No!  It's mine!!
Mom (face covered in shampoo): What?  Huh?  YUCK!! (spitting sounds)  Hold on, honey.  (rinses face)  There...what now? 
Eldest (impatiently): STUFF...on it? 
Mom (peering through foggy shower glass): No, honey, that's called mold.  
Eldest (gasping with extreme shock): MOO-OOOLD!  (Tosses bread across bathroom)  Mo-om?!?  That's MOOOO-OLLLLLLD?!?!?  AAAAAUGH!!  (The sultry sounds of dramatic wailing flood the bathroom...)
Mom (exasperated): YES!  Would you stop it!  It's only harmful if you eat it.  Did you eat it? 
Eldest (pauses, considering these words.  Did she eat it?  Did she?): Well...I don't THINK so...I don't see any teeth marks...
Mom (nonplussed): You can't remember if you ate any of the bread in the past five minutes? 
Eldest shrugs, gives mother disinterested glance.  Twins, meanwhile, begin sneaking towards bread piece.  Mold?  But it looks like snow?  Is she sure? 
Mom: STOP RIGHT THERE!  (Twins freeze, bodies bent, hands poised to snatch up the intriguing foodstuff)  Eldest, you take that outside now and feed the birds.  Why do you have the bread out anyways? 
Eldest: Oh, I wanted to make my sandwich for tomorrow.  There's one piece of bread left.  I'll just make a half sandwich.  That's alright, because my friend always brings extra cookies on Friday, and I can eat one of those...(Eldest eyes bread dubiously, takes a deep breath, holds it, grabs the bread between forefinger and thumb, and dashes out of the bathroom, fighting desperately to keep from breathing before she flings the offending item away to the birds.)

Mom returns to her shower...oh yes, time to shave (past time her husband might argue, but we digress)...Picking up the razor, she regards it - the blade is getting old, but it should serve it's purpose.  She places it to her calf, poised to begin, when - 

Eldest: MOM!!  MOM!!!  MOOOOOMM!!

The razor goes sailing through the air, but not before carving a small chunk out of the skin that hurts like the dickens and bleeds profusely...

Mom: Mother-!  WHAT?!?
Eldest (looking at the razor that landed outside the shower in confusion): Oh, um...yeah...the other piece has mold on it, too.  
Mom (through gritted teeth): Then throw it out to the birds, too!!  (This nick REALLY hurts!)
Eldest: OK...can you get me more bread?
Mom (In her "I'm about to LOSE it voice"): I'm in the SHOW-WER!  What do you want me to do about it RIGHT NOW?!?
Eldest (mildly surprised...gosh, what did SHE do?  She's just trying to help her mom...): Yeah, of course.  No problem...just take your time...

Eldest troops out.  Mom turns wide-eyed, near lunatic face on twins, who are staring at Mommy's leg.  
Twins (speaking over each other): You are bleeding, mommy.  There's blood.  Is that blood, mommy?  Mommy, that looks like blood.  Should you get a band aid?  Why are you still in the shower?  Are you done yet, Mommy?  We need crackers...

As we leave this scene, we see the eldest daughter on the couch, unable to comprehend for the life of her why her mother's gone mental.  The twins stand in the kitchen, unable to figure out why mommy wouldn't want them to tell her about the blood...and they are hungry, because big sister forgot all about giving them their crackers in her excitement to make her own sandwich.  They pull the box out of the pantry, showering the floor and cat's dish with crackers.  Big sister, remembering her duty, starts arguing with the twins over just who should clean up this mess.  And mommy, half washed, bleeding, and soggy, staggers out of the shower, to find the OTHER piece of bread, lying on the bathroom floor in a soggy heap...

If I ever show up sweaty and dirty, you know why...

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