Sunday, September 1, 2013

A "Choose His Own Adventure" Post

How the post works: Read the first section about a...uh...hypothetical...husband and wife.  Then customize his reading choosing the section that you want to see occur.

Section 1:  Once upon a time, a husband and a wife make a deal.  He will take the children up to his sister's house to play in the pool and hang with their aunt and uncle IF she agrees to spend those three days cleaning the house.  Really getting in-depth and getting some serious work done.  The wife, "Capital A hyphen Capital R" by nature before three children beat it out of her, agrees with enthusiasm.  After all, she can't get much done with the children underfoot.  So off he goes to spend three days playing on his laptop, hanging with his sister, watching them play in the pool with the children...working on his tan and generally gloating over what a fabulous husband he is.  His wife, he's sure, is laboring industrially away, cleaning the master closet, scrubbing the floors and baseboards by hand, discarding and sorting, revealing vast open spaces...Yep, he's a real gem, alright.

The day comes to drive home.  Despite her repeated requests he leave at a certain time, he chooses to leave two hours later.  After all, being such an amazing husband, he's giving her extra time to clean, ignoring the plans they made as a family for the evening.  But then, it all goes wrong.  The wireless system in the van kicks out, forcing him to listen to the Muppet Movie most of the way home.  When the movie isn't playing, he's enduring the incessant, high-pitched "conversation" of three voices competing over each other.  His wife even calls to ask him to stop and buy something to help her prepare dinner.  What did she do for three days?  She can't have dinner ready?  Tired, headache-y, and utterly convinced of his misery, he soldiers on, as a good husband must.  No one can understand the stress and exhaustion of dealing with three children in the car.  Surely he's the first to shoulder this burden?  He thinks of his wife, thinks longingly of his quiet, and now most assuredly clean, house.  Could she possibly understand his sacrifice?

After a grueling two hour drive, he's home.  He bursts into the house, rushing for the bathroom, shoes shedding grass and mud as he goes.  He leaves his children sitting in the van...but surely they'll figure out, "Just sit tight" really means, "Unbuckle and come in the house," right?  He drags his weary body outside, exhausted from a weekend of resting, and manages to haul his overstuffed duffle bag in, which turns out to be open, and spills clothing all over the floor.  He's a weary warrior, but still, unloading must continue...He brings in the girls bags, which he strews in various places in an effort to press on with the unloading.  Finally finished with his burden, he collapses on the bed, still wearing his shoes.  Victory complete, he regards his wife happily snuggling with her children.  Then he regards the floor.  Good heavens!  Grass, mud, and bits everywhere!  Clothing sprawled about!  What a mess!!  He looks at his wife in shock, and asks, "Did you do ANYTHING while I slaved away with your children this weekend???  Where did this mess come from??"  In shock, his wife looks down at the carpet that was just clean 2 minutes ago...

If he is verbally decapitated, choose Section 2.

If physical violence is dangerously close to errupting, choose Section 3.

If she lovingly forgives him, laughs like a 60s sitcom, puts on an apron and begins cleaning up his mess while putting the finishing touches on a pie, choose Section 4.


Author's note: There is no section 4.

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