Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Worst return policy ever!
So I decided to see if I could return these allergies. I mean, this is America, right? Land of returns and the customer is always right, right? Nothing ventured, nothing gained...
So I called Mother Nature:
"Mother Nature here."
"Oh, I expected a computer."
"No, honey, only organics here. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I'd like to return my allergies."
"OK...let me see here...hmm, well, according to your contract you have passed the point of no return."
"Wait? How long did I have to return these?"
"30 days from date of installation."
"30 days? But...I'd be only a month old."
"Oh, I know dear. I told God it wasn't a good plan. But He insisted...why don't I transfer you to His line? Hold, please."
*Heavenly choir muzac sings softly in the background*
"This is St. Peter."
"St. Peter? I - uh...oh. Umm, hi. I'd like to talk to someone about returning my allergies. You see, I don't think the policy is very fair. I have to return them after 30 days, but at a month old, I couldn't possibly make those decisions."
"I see your point. Let me check something. Now where did that scroll - ok, here we go. I see here you were given two very fine guardians. Your baptism, First Communion, Reconciliation...they are all in order. I - Oh, did you REALLY lie that many times?"
"Er - I don't...OK, wait, let's get back to my allergies. What does this mean?"
"Well, your parents filed all the forms, but I see no 'Nix Allergenis' form here, so I'm sorry, but you'll have to take it up with them."
"But...I mean...most 1 month olds don't even SHOW allergies. How can that be? It's a flawed system! There has to be a way to register a complaint."
"Absolutely! Let me transfer you to our complaint department."
*More Heavenly choir muzac*
Mechanical voice: "You have reached the complaint department. I'm sorry, but all our demons are busy collecting souls. Please stay on the line-"
YIKES! No thank you.
OK, well, if this rests with my parents, let me talk with them...
"Hi, Mom. How's it going? Listen, I was talking with St Peter and Mother Nature, and it seems you had a chance to return my allergies in the first month of my life. Did you know anything about this?"
...Mom is silent..."Wait? What? We were told you were non-refundable. What are you talking about? Because believe me, there were times we wanted to return you. Do you remember the time you broke-"
"Mom!! Geez!! This isn't about that. I just want to know if you can file a form to return my allergies!"
"Let me talk with your father. If we were misinformed about your being returnable, we need to register a complaint..."
"No, Mom, you don't want to call" - *Click*
Think my return policy is expired?