Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Worst return policy ever!

So I decided to see if I could return these allergies.  I mean, this is America, right?  Land of returns and the customer is always right, right?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

So I called Mother Nature:
*Ring ring*
"Mother Nature here."
"Oh, I expected a computer."
"No, honey, only organics here.  What can I do for you?"
"Well, I'd like to return my allergies."
"OK...let me see here...hmm, well, according to your contract you have passed the point of no return."
"Wait?  How long did I have to return these?"
"30 days from date of installation."
"30 days?  But...I'd be only a month old."
"Oh, I know dear.  I told God it wasn't a good plan.  But He insisted...why don't I transfer you to His line?  Hold, please."

*Heavenly choir muzac sings softly in the background*
"This is St. Peter."
"St. Peter?  I - uh...oh.  Umm, hi.  I'd like to talk to someone about returning my allergies.  You see, I don't think the policy is very fair.  I have to return them after 30 days, but at a month old, I couldn't possibly make those decisions."
"I see your point.  Let me check something.  Now where did that scroll - ok, here we go.  I see here you were given two very fine guardians.  Your baptism, First Communion, Reconciliation...they are all in order.  I - Oh, did you REALLY lie that many times?"
"Er - I don't...OK, wait, let's get back to my allergies.  What does this mean?"
"Well, your parents filed all the forms, but I see no 'Nix Allergenis' form here, so I'm sorry, but you'll have to take it up with them."
"But...I mean...most 1 month olds don't even SHOW allergies.  How can that be?  It's a flawed system!  There has to be a way to register a complaint."
"Absolutely!  Let me transfer you to our complaint department."

*More Heavenly choir muzac*
Mechanical voice: "You have reached the complaint department.  I'm sorry, but all our demons are busy collecting souls.  Please stay on the line-"
YIKES!  No thank you.

OK, well, if this rests with my parents, let me talk with them...
"Hi, Mom.  How's it going?  Listen, I was talking with St Peter and Mother Nature, and it seems you had a chance to return my allergies in the first month of my life.  Did you know anything about this?"
...Mom is silent..."Wait?  What?  We were told you were non-refundable.  What are you talking about?  Because believe me, there were times we wanted to return you.  Do you remember the time you broke-"
"Mom!!  Geez!!  This isn't about that.  I just want to know if you can file a form to return my allergies!"
"Let me talk with your father.  If we were misinformed about your being returnable, we need to register a complaint..."
"No, Mom, you don't want to call" - *Click*

Think my return policy is expired?

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